It's been 53 days since the last time I weighed myself...probably because I know I haven't been putting in the effort to lose weight and I didn't want to face the music. I put my big girl panties on and dealt with it though. I needed to see the damage that my lack of effort and dedication did.
A gain of only 2.2lbs in the big picture isn't THAT bad. But to me it's bad. When I initially made the decision to lose weight it was June of 2009 and I was at my highest weight of 179.5lbs. I lost weight that summer, my lowest being 172lbs. Not a huge loss but it was progress in the right direction and I was happy with it.
And then it was all downhill (or back up the hill) from there. Another semester of college started, I gave in to the temptation of having Mountain Dew at school just because it was available to me, I was eating unhealthy food for lunch due to a large break between classes, and I wasn't exercising as much if at all. By the end of October I was back up to 179lbs but quickly moved back in the right direction, by 11/13/09 I was back down to 175.3lbs. But then I "fell off the wagon"...I stopped weighing in once a week so I wasn't able to see what my actions were doing to my body. It wasn't until 1/2/10 that I stepped on the Wii Fit again and what it told me wasn't good. I weighed 182.5lbs, a gain of 7.2lbs since 11/13/09! A new highest weight, not something I had ever wanted to say.
My weight has been like a yo-yo since then going up and down, up and down. Not a lot just a pound or two here and there but eventually the weight started going up more than it was going down. I wasn't staying around the same weight any more. First it was 184, then I found myself at 185, then 186, 187, and finally at 188 which is where I am at now.
In 2009 when I had lost some weight I didn't notice a difference in my body. Now as I've put on some weight I've noticed a huge difference in my body. I used to only have stretch marks on my hips, the love handles. Now I have stretch marks there as well as my stomach on the left and right sides of my belly button just below it. When I lay on my back my hip bones no longer stick out, there's too much fat in the way for that to happen. I can no longer "suck it in" and make my stomach appear flat. If I knew what would happen to my body in 2009 I would like to think I would have worked harder to keep the progress going, or at the very least not let my weight become worse than it was but of course hindsight is 20/20.
So now what?? As much as I dislike what my body has become you would think I would be out there hitting the gym or working out at home all the time, eating healthier foods, cutting out Mountain Dew but is that what I'm doing? Honestly, no. I try to cut Mountain Dew out and I do well during the week when I'm at work all day but with school I again am tempted to buy a bottle from the vending machine to enjoy during my 2.5 hour long class twice a week and on the weekends when I am lounging around with nothing to do but homework I think about how good one would taste so I cave and have one, or two, or three (yes I seriously did that Sunday). I've hit the gym once in three months and haven't been back since. Should I go today after class? Definitely! But I have a 3-4 minute speech I have to write and record by the end of the day so am I tempted to not work out? For sure! Excuses is what it is. Do I want to lose the weight or not?? By my actions you would think no but by my feelings towards my body you would definitely think so.
So how do I get myself moving in the right direction again? How do I get myself to commit and keep that commitment? Tough questions...ones that I haven't found the answers to yet :(
